This week has been awfully swell. Really, it was a nice change of pace for once and I'm glad I put good use to it.... sorta... hah. so yesterday was veterans day, although seemingly it is a one day holiday it truly is a weeks worth of a holiday in disguise. Veterans day not only blocks off students from doing labs on the wednesday that we had off from school but does also monday tuesday thursday and friday labs as well. .... YIPEEE. Meaning my lab for both classes are due next thursday rather than this thursday (however everything is doubled of course) and then surprisingly ceng homework is due tomorrow and homework for math was cut shorter due to the lack of lectured material as a result from wednesday. hmmmm i think ill take a lil relaxation just for once, and work out the kinks next week. I think I rather do everything all at once rather than prolong my agony for a whole week.

So my week went well, I bought a brand spanking new game a couple of weeks ago called Demon's Souls for the PS3 and its a very challenging RPG game that I enjoy quite a bit now. Every now and then I tell myself to stop playing hah but I just can't stop.! Its okay, I eventually do in attempts to do homework, which as of now has still not been finished lol. The game is very linear, not in any way too brain oggling, the only thing I'm sure most people find about the game that proved difficult is the numerous enemies at every corner that could potentially strike you down at submit you to restart the whole level again. Even after grinding for a good amount of time does you no good if your going to get burned alive by fiery dragon breath or speared to death by relentless red eye knights. skill and timing really sets in after a good day or two of playing.

On a lighter note I'm working out again! I'm pretty sure its only because of veterans day and the lack of work this week did I find time to do so but I still enjoyed the work out none the less. I pretty much just run, I dont really "work out". But I guess I just missed that satisfying sore you get after a long run given that you havent ran in a long time. I use to remember that I would actually get soo sore that even walking seemed like a harsher reality among others. but now I have a better habit at running at more consistent paces and making sure to stretch a lot afterwards. I probably should do other exercises too but.... im too lazy :D

we also got 25cents wings on tuesday! nom nom nom. cheapest 2 dollars you can spend would probably be on this late night special. Its situated at a club down garnet in pacific beach. Its not the nicest place to eat but hey its cheap. Sweet chili thai has to be hands down my favorite.

OOOh another awesome thing I started to do and had just learned recently is knitting! Knitting doesnt really seem like a guy thing to do but I enjoy it a lot already, 1) its very tedious which I like and 2) its very procedural and straight forward, once you got the basics down your good to go! Ive only got a coulple of lines down but sooon itll make a nice square piece wool, and then slowly but surely a scarf! hurray! I also wanted to see if Id be able to make something for the new baby coming into the family. It might be a little too ambitious but Id like to give it a try. Btw this is all thanks to of course to Ephie who had the patience and time to teach this nifty little trade to me. I enjoy it a lot and maybe one day I can teach my mom haha if she doesnt already know so anyways, and we cant sit together on a couch and knit like old ladies in their 70s haha. yeah but anyways, it was a fun experience and I'm enjoying it like I enjoy cooking. cooking would probably be a tad more exciting but knitting is still pretty awesome and high on my list of favorite past times.

oooh and thanksgiving is soon and I think were also going to try to do another 706 banquet the weekend before thanksgiving weekend, which I think is going to be at our place yay!! itll be sooo fun! OH! did I mention that Wilson and I took a cooking class!? it was right before we got wings on tuesday night. basically our apartment complex holds a little demo cooking class and we observe a cook (Brian) who cooks awesome deliciousness right in front of us! nom nom. we were taught how to make some basic thanksgiving meals! yum including this delicious pecan pie mouse! its so easy its ridiculous just watching him make it just makes me feel more encouraged to cook. seeing how easy some seemingly fancy meals and recipes are makes me more encouraged to go out and make easy recipes and desserts.

anyways, that was my spew for the week, I just really enjoyed this relaxing week! seemed like i got the time to do so many things ive been putting off for a longgggg time.

ugh.

this quarter has definitely been the hardest, not to mention the most tiring quarter Ive ever had. I'm actually starting to appreciate the small time riding the bus and the walk. and probably more the little sleep i get after finishing a lab. So I have chem lab that actually doesnt take too long, and the time I spend in lab is actually very fun and exciting, especially when you get all your product made and correctly made but i guess its the lab reports that take quite awhile to do. and then there is mae170 lab that i find very very annoying. On top of the lab report they have you do they make you do prelab questions + a labview programming exercise to do and on top of THAT they need you to study for a quiz right at the start of lab. did i mention that lab is at 9oclock in the morning? ugh. i hate that class. and then there is ceng101 where the TA literally TRIES not to help us haha. really, we have to trick him into giving us some help. Id ask a question and he would literally think about it for a second and come up with a way to tell me that he cant tell us that part of the material hahaha how ridiculous is that, the class is already hard enough when the professor only teaches everything in mathematical statements and derivations. and then i have math183 ughhhh that class is a headache as well, its a stats class that i thought would be hella easy but apparently not, ive never heard of so many ways to determine and calculate probability in my life. im pretty sure im doing the worst in that class just because i dont have enough time to dedicate to it. it was interesting when i could calculate the probabilities of getting certain hands in poker and stuff like that but now were doing things i cant even comprehend.

ugh i dont think i even get 5 or 4 hours of sleep, maybe if im lucky.

On the lighter side of things I do have BOMB ASS TAs. TRAVIS BLAINE I love this guy so much. he pretty much preps us for the lab and everything, he makes you feel like an awesome person every time you talk to him. he understands the students and if you fuck up in lab he'll make you feel all better and warm inside even when your product is cold and all over the lab counter. and then for mae170 lab Rahul and Mike are pretty awesome too. Mike pretty much tells us how to do everything with great explanations. i mean i wish he was our professor, really, he is like the best teacher in the world he tells you how to construct a circuit with atleast 5 or 6 wires and 2 different set of leads without anything in front of him, and he just recites it from memory im guessing, im just astounded that hes so brilliant and he puts so much effort in giving us students a helping hand when we are really backed up against the wall with red marks and minus this and thats left and right. rahul is awesome too, he understands how hard the grader is for these lab reports, he gave me an extra 5 points, and he really listens. i had so many issues with the lab view programming and he just let me turn it in to him like the next week. hes too awesome. Oh and i havent even talked about GUS. Gus is a little cutie in my ceng101 class. did i say cute? i meant his fucking ridiculously good looking. too me anyways (says Wilson who thinks I have triton eye) I noticed him last quarter i think in my math20e class. and now i see him again in this class. hes tall, dark hair, beautiful smile and he is soooo easy to talk to, he helps out anybody and explains in detail. i mean at first i didnt think he was too bright, maybe cuz hes in pike and good looking hah but no i totally underestimated this tall prince. I have to admit im pretty proud of myself for being forward and socializing with him at all. I saw him at the library trying to finish up ceng101 homework that was due maybe in about 2 hours. So i striked up a conversation telling him that i noticed him in class, said that i noticed he was finishing up homework so i gave him the solutions i had printed from home. he looked grateful and we exchanged names. and now he says hi to me every once awhile when he sees me :D hurray. i mean im just glad he notices me and remembers, hes straight but its not bad to have cute company right? hah the other day we had really ridiculously hard homework and i messaged him and we went and studied and did homework together. :D! did i mention i got his number? although i felt pretty useless when it came to homework, i had so much going on this week that i didnt have time to concentrate on ceng, so i felt bad that he had to help me rather the other way around. hes apparently majoring in bioengineering, god i just love this kid. He’s smart, funny, social, tall handsome. Too bad though. At least I wont have trouble with concentrating on ceng… wait. Or will I?

Thank god for weekends because I think Id just lose my sanity. I dont think anyone really appreciates the weekend until their pushed up and ass raped by school. i dont think i realized how much i missed sleep and partying until now. I think its rekindled my appetite for drinking which is bad but hey i really really need this. i mean its not even just about drinking, its about having fun and gathering with all my friends. it relaxes me soo much that i can just hang loose and do whatever the fuck i want in that what 5 hour gap of ecstasy. i think im starting to not remember things during the night too, well i mean i dont think i have upped my alcohol id probably drink around the same amount or even less. although i actually think that because im so tired all the time now its getting me more drunk, + the fact that i dont get a lot of time to eat its affecting my partying skill lol. overall school is pretty much making me unhealthy. I cant wait for next quarter when I can sit back and relax (hopefully)

On the more awesome side of life, I really appreciate 706 more and more each year. I think that living farther away now has really tightened some of our bonds ironically. Every weekend we go somewhere to meet up and hang out (probably to party of course), and since (unfortunately) mike/sea bass/db/jim/gregs place is unavailable now due to over partying during the summer we are now reconnecting with Pat/eric/jimmy/Richards/atin and ryans apartment, not to mention occasional parties at jen/ephies/jasmine and naomis apartment. And of course occasionally Elaine and kaitlen comes too which makes me very happy :D since I don’t see them too often either. Earlier this quarter we’ve had dinner parties, first time was at Mikes place the second time was at Thach’s :D I have to admit, although not a whole lot of us went the first time, the second time around was a great success. We got to play our favorite 706 game - mafia once again :D I was really really happy haha since I had missed it soo much, and now we ever got jenn to play as well.

Our place, I believe is up in line for the next 706 banquet, which I think should be this weekend, we just need to post the event. Its exciting because it gets everyone in the kitchen to make something exciting. The first time me and Wilson made a casserole which came out delicious and the second time I think we decided to make a chicken dish which also came out pretty nice. I wonder what well make this time :D.

Technically the banquet was suppose to be held during the weekend that had just past however it was Halloween so of course partying takes priority :D I was pretty busy the whole week but im glad I decided on a superb costume - Being a zombie of course. Im surprised I didn’t think of it earlier. I love love love zombies. In addition to being my most favored creature type in Magic it is also my favorite types of horror movies to watch, I mean yeah its predictable but it seems possible that viruses can do these things may be in the far future of bioengineering. I remember reading zombie survival guides last year haha. I have yet to buy the wrench and flashlight that guides have prompted me to do. Anyways, I thought I looked hella scary :D blood all over my face and clothes. Although I might have gone over board with the blood seeing that everything I touched seemed to turn red… which is quite an unfortunate event when being inebriated and stumbling around in the apartments. (I apologize to Ephie’s apartment, and I need to wash my sheets). Sam on the other hard dressed up as Gene Simmons from the band KISS and Aldo dressed up as a scary demon. I have to admit Sam is very picky with his costumes, I mean he kept whining about not having this and that with his costumes. It was a great costumes nonetheless he needs to stop over thinking these things. Anyways, this was the first Halloween I actually dressed up for so I’m really happy how things came out. OH! And Wilson dressed up as a COW! I loved it, it was pretty awesome, I don’t think I gave him enough credit for his hard work. Pictures are up on face book. I also enjoyed Gregory and Mikes costumes they were also very nicely done, made from scratch. They were Professor chaos and general disarray. Aldo looked pretty legit as well, it was cheap and simple and an awesome face painted costume.

Overall the quarter has had its bad and good moments. I pretty much rely on the weekends to catch up on fun. Lately ive been noticing that my pictures pretty much all involve alcohol so I really want to change that by 1) drinking less or 2) going out and having regular un alcoholic fun in addition to fun alcoholic nights haha. But yeah I think it’s a lil embarrassing and I don’t want to remember my college years as a big blur of red cups and ping pong balls. School work has been difficult but it definitely made me realize to love and appreciate all that’s around me. Maybe some more than others …

Ugh School has finally come. I can still remember the days when it seemed like summer would never end. It felt eternal. It was fun when it lasted, now I feel like I shouldve accomplished more during that time haha. I'm already sitting here doing homework. A thousand and one things running through my mind, so many things to do, so many things to prepare for. And now that school has started I need to brace myself for the sudden change. all upper divs including two labs; hmmm Cbass makes a good point - its going to be a terrible quarter and I need to prepare myself and carefully plan out my time. I've ALWAYS been bad at time management. Ive always just dont things at the very last moment and then in the end come to accept the grade Ive been given whether good or bad. I think its a terrible thing to really emphasize academically especially since I'm slowly getting more and more closer to graduating in a few years. Been thinking about a job too, but now as I reevaluate my priorities I dont even know if i want to. Too scared to. My classes fortunately are very well scheduled, and I have plenty of time to focus. I might even start going to office hours and try to get more help on these things. Ive come to accept that I'm not exactly the smartest kid, and a little help could only benefit me.

Anyways besides school things have been going fine, at the apartment, with friends. Megans pool party the other day was pretty nice. It was just great to relax, swim, and stare into the night sky. great day to go too, nice and warm. the boys got rowdy and kept on talking about pesos... lol. I thought they talked about it for way too long, pretty much got bored of them for half the night. the food was good, havent had a grilled burger in awhile ever since we stopped buying patties. And I'm glad to have visited Megan too. None of us really see her at all, and I think these get togethers at her place gives me a chance to hang out and catch up. makes me wonder in a couple of years how things will be. if were all going to have little events such as these and if everybody will be still there to enjoy each others company like we do now. are we all going to stay just as close? probably not, but i guess, well never know until then. I kinda feel I'm getting distant, with the boys. Ive always felt distant actually, i dont feel like Im one of them, ....mm well I guess I wouldnt exactly want to be like them, drinking all the time partying. its fun and all but I think Im slowly getting tired of it. drinking isnt as exciting anymore, all the hype is gone. I dont think I ever liked it as much as everyone else has because I never actually do what I want to do when im actually drunk. okay maybe partially. I like to wander, I like to peer into the sky. I like to be alone. thats probably why i dont enjoy it as much as they do anyways hah. I dont do anything exciting when Im at that point like they do. Speaking about booze. there was nothing at the sammy party. we went, and wondered if there was any naturally flowing air in the room - it pretty much felt like i was in the belly of a beast.... a really really warmmm beast. everyone was sweating, no alcohol, bad music, and I could barely move. No joke, it would take you half an hour to walk around the whole house, not because its large but because there just wasnt enough room to move. anyways we left early. got home, and watched 7 hours of dexter hah. cant wait for season 3. I need to start watching something! ahhh. i need something besides dexter. I think I might start downloading some anime or maybe some new TV series. something exciting or maybe funny. Anyone with suggestions?

Yay for dissidia! :D 7 hours of battling today. pretty much leveld firion up enough to have all his moves already. although i have a biochem midterm this thursday! ahhh! okay im not gonna write much write now, ill come back and edit :D

Yay Summer Update :D
I have to admit I've neglected my journal for quite some time. What I use to do was to write every memorable event. I remember quite well back in my freshman year that I would write down everything, absolutely anything i thought was going to be something interesting that I really wanted to remember. Now it seems like everyday is just another good day, another day with friends and things I would love to read about over and over again. The days just all blend in together (I know we say this for a certain other event but I'm not using it in the same context lol), and its really wonderful; summer has been wonderful. There isnt anything really notably different about this summer in particular but I think its just because we have been hanging out with one another so much its definitely seems like each and everyone of us is getting to know each other quite well. This summer I've been living in San Diego, in our recently leased apartment at Crossroads. I've been raving about it to my mom, how its affordable with all these fabulous ammenities available to me as well - gym, 2 pools, billiards, AC, tanning bed, racquet ball court and an awesome large theatre that we get to rent out free of charge (before 5 anyways). I like it, its awesome, feels like a real vacation. I'm really glad I didnt go back home this summer, I really would've died from boredom haha. I mean, Lisa is in Berkeley, Johana is in Iowa. Brent is well... brent is probably at home but i honestly never hung out with brent in a 1 on 1 play day. then theres jennifer and wendy whom a also never hung out with, well just to hang out anyways. raymond is probably continuing his never ending boyfriend and girlfriend game with Adela. I honestly would've hung out with Tina and Kevin if I had gotten the chance too. They said they went to Mammoth this summer and that sounded really exciting. I think back when I had gone (well this one time anyways) with Kevin and his family to mammoth i think sophomore or junior year I had a lot of fun. Its kinda where I had got the whole idea to go white River Rafting for my birthday..... which hasn't happened lol although i still want to go. :(GAHHH I'm in my 20's every time I hear something exciting I feel the urge to get up and do it. Why not!? I've just been feeling the urge to run until I bleed from the soles of my feet, sleep on the balcony until I can't sleep no more, play games until my eyes hurt. Although in the midst of my urges. I have to go to school :( . Hate it haha.

Okay so back to summer. I hate it when I get sidetracked. although I think that's what I love most about blogs. I can rant and rant and it doesnt have to make any sense. as long as it does to me then its worth it. I dont need to write an essay that needs to be coherent and have everything spelled correctly and be grammatically correct. What's the point? Just cause its the standard way of writing? Doesnt writing in a certain way like... spelling "doesnt" without the apostrophe create a sort of personality, a character, my character. You would kind of get a feel to what the writer is about, what the writer comes from. ......haha not like im a writer or anything haha. And I think Its cute everyone is starting their own blogs too. Sam is re-reading his old high school entries while Aldo and Elaine are getting into it too. Although I actually think its a big step to start blogging, its sort of a commitment at times. not in the sense that you feel obligated to write in it but in the sense you are openly trusting the world with your heart and mind. I don't know if some people can do that. I mean its a big step like i said i think. letting people know what you really think, what you care for. In another sense bloggers are putting themselves out as words. We represent ourselves as what we say, how we say it in our entries. and i think Sam might understand what I mean, obviously, as he had gone back and privated all his entries haha. (I thought that was so cute haha.) bloggers put themselves out simply as words. we, our lives simply on paper, as text. belittles what you would see as a person, rather the large open broad range of what my mind is, its simple placed, and stated. the person them self seems summarized, paraphrased. as if you can envision me in the palm of your hand.

So currently its been Me, Sam, Aldo, Ephie, Andy, Elaine and Ryan. Elaine and Ryan just stay over sometimes but I think its brought me a lot of joy to have them around all the time. I haven't hanged out with them a lot personally throughout the years, but I'm glad its happening now before we all graduate and lose the chance to. I remember Ryan was always very nice to me. And Elaine was always very comfortable with me. Having Ephie around also comforts me a lot as well. I use to think of Ephie as I would Lisa. I remember we use to hang out a lot to back in freshman year, but during sophomore things just died out, and I thought we would never get to that time. I feel like summer has given me a lot to look at and make up for lost time. I kinda think of this summer of a time to help me finalize and see who's important. I mean we are all important. I just want to know who is going to stick and who is going to leave. On another note Sam and Aldo did me a loving act, I actually thought it was a very caring deed. Although if anyone else did it I would have gotten really offended. I take a lot of pride in doing what I want when.... well when I'm inebriated, most of which I truly do want to do. sometimes i just dont have the guts to do it when im sober. Maybe this time was a lil overboard but I think I wouldve gone through with it. I don't need anyone to take care of me, nor do i want anyone to worry about me because I'm in a state I induced myself. As a boy, I think my true ego comes out when people don't take me seriously, or don't think I can handle myself. thats possibly the one time I get very defensive. THat and when I get woken up, and I'm like...not in the mood for whatever it is I'm getting woken up to haha. But yeah I know Sam and Aldo care, and I'm very grateful .

Ugh on the downer side I'm hating Summer school. Its gross. midterms left and right. homework around the corner. and give me 5 days ill probably be sitting down taking a final. At least its short, and Ill be through with it after the 5th. hurray. Although by that time I'll probably drowning in my own regret, Ive been coming up short, and now I feel very financially unstable. For the longest time Ive been trying to get a job, maybe i'm aiming to high? As long as I get a job this school year, it might make up for what Ive put my parents through. Ive been asking mom for help for almost two or three months now. every time she asks me how much is in my bank account, I tell her probably less than 50 dollars every time. And now its ... the 24th, 11 dollars in my bank account, I have a 45 dollar parking ticket (for parking near the rimac parking garage one day cause i was lazy, and decided to try my luck with my expired parking permit :/), and i havent payed any bills yet. What do I tell her? ugh. And then dissidia is coming out in ... 19 hours. .... ahhh Im planning to charge it to my credit card but even that is pretty over used. >.< I'm really desperately waiting for school to start. yet i really dont want summer to endddddd. ugghhhhhhh.

I have to sleep now unfortunately and I havent even said anything about Bryant's trip down or the fact that we practically drink every weekend. Been sleeping on the balcony, and Ive discovered my favorite place to visit when im drunk :D. anyways gots to go, homework and psych midterm on tuesday, and biochem midterm on thursday. then im probably gonna play dissidia nonstop, and then cry about financial problems at night. fun week up ahead.

gah. So one of my biggest things I always think about when I'm just ... lost in thought i guess is freewill. Freewill. I mean as a future... potential... chemist, an idealist, I just can't understand the idea behind freewill. Its like saying that rocks and air have conscious decision on how they wished to collide. maybe water decides whichever way it wants to flow? hah. How is it that humans can fanthom the possibility that we are some sort of force that can defy molecular and physical law?

Maybe its just the thought of freewill. hmmm like the idea of a decision. We do not technically have a decision. but the idea of the decision still exist, and the decision... well the facade of the decision is freewill. its not about if its real or not, but the existence of a decision in our minds, the thought that we had made a choice, is freewill.

As a student, as a scholar, we are told in Ochem that such and such react in such a way. use this compound and mix it with another and you will get some percentage of another compound. we know how things react and until we can fully understand formation and molecular structures, the physics and science behind what we believe as a "decision" I do not see any reason why anyone should think humans have active choice.

An event, an action; everything that does happen happens without a doubt with a 100% certainty. If I tossed a die and it rolled a 6, its only a matter of physics on how it does role to produce that six, and it is only a matter of science and physiology how the die will roll from your hand controlled by nerves and brain function. if it rolled a 6 this one time, it was going to happen, it was not chance. its "lucky" that we bumped into each other as we did today but in reality it would have happened with or without luck. And in more words things seem to be more lucky cause of the things like "coincidences" and improbable events happening all at once or just a culmination of such events, but once again these events were going to happen together or in succession anyways, there really is no luck to it. .... mmm although another perspective that people don't take into account is influence. and influence i mean something like a domino effect or a ripple in water, one thing leads to another, and that to another and another. Events just seem to be "luck" that they happen simultaneously, but if you see it play out individually, it was not luck that these things happened together, in fact its just one of many sets of things that happen together, just that many things in society recognize different things as fortunate, only certain things stand out, therefore only certain things seem to look like the workings of "luck" when really a lot of things take place at the same time and if we all noticed these.... well luck wouldnt be luck anymore would it?

This leads me back to the theory of why people might believe in freewill. We really do not comprehend the infinitely many minute influence in our lives that lead to the beginning and even the thought of decisions. that in itself is not truly real freewill. but mainly back to chemistry, we are all neurons and electrical impulses. freewill implies that there must be something within ourselves that is beyond the material and physical world that is not influenced of electrical impulses, but one that decides and thinks without these things initially. ..... which i really doubt. if so it takes the influences of the world and what it perceives and then it stops. and it thinks. and it decides? its like some sort of chemcial reaction that decides to stop and then decides what way it wants to proceed, and i think only in that sense why freewill does not make sense to me.

In a different perspective... i guess it doesnt even matter if we had or didnt have freewill. it just scares people to think that if they did not have it then there would be no point to live. well, thats what i think people think anyways. but really it doesnt matter, its like knowing the end of a movie before watching it but that doesnt mean your not going to watch it, you kinda wanna know how things leads up to each other. Same thing with life, even if we knew we didnt have freewill it doesnt really change anything. we will still live life the way we want and "decide" to. if a fortune teller asks you what you want to see it should be what you will be in the future but really how you will get to that future and even then its not even important because life is living life not knowing it. so really it doesnt matter if you know that you cant control the outcome of your future, but the important thing is that you are going to live it out.

July 4, Independence day. Woop dee doo. Just another night, just another reason for people to get wasted. Oh no, im not complaining, just saying as all. Although without the right company I can see how any night can get dull. Were just not a good fit, or maybe its not my night. I just wanted someone to talk to. My friends were just getting too drunk too fast. Too fast for any asian anyways and I just wanted to have a good night and not have a god awful hangover the next day. I drank maybe 4 beers, im good. Lost my buzz though. It wasn’t the best of nights but It’ll have to do. I don’t know why people need a justification to do something wild. Point being I don’t see why people think they need to have fun on certain days like fourth of july. … hah truly entertaining when people thinks statements like IF I jumped off a cliff would you do the same? When they too are easily fooled by societal tradition, like such nights, like independence day. Its just another day of the year.

I honestly had more fun talking to my friend Lisa. Out of the 4 times I had to call her, each time getting shorter and shorter because I had to see to it that friends weren’t running around drunk. Its funny how some people can look so sober yet they are …. Well not. Its true, sometimes I don’t see the practicalities of drinking, but … I still do it, and at times it is the best feeling ever, during that time anyways. I don’t know though, I know sometimes when I drink I get very emotional, the very first thing that comes to mind is usually my lack of a boyfriend. Mmm… lets not even say boyfriend, I guess the lack of a really good companion. I just want that brotherly bond. Maybe that’s why im gay, its cuz unconsciously ive never had a close close boy friend. Not to my satisfaction anyways.

Ive given up the title btw. Hmmm the irony. Ive given it up. Not to say Ive done away with it. Ive just given up the title. Im not gay. Mmm… I just don’t see why I need to categorize myself. Straight, Gay, Bi. Its just all words. Its all just categories. Its like telling people hey im Asian. And what do people see? What do they first think. Oh he must look like this, he must act like this and that. I mean out of question sake I see why people ask about ethnicity, maybe its to find a common ground to speak on, maybe its to know their place of origin, their culture. But things like sexuality is honestly not important unless your interested in that person. No I take that back its not even necessary.

Ive come to the conclusion that love is love, friendship is friendship. And relationships are all different. People are people and every relationship you have with every person you meet is going to be different. Im “gay” but that doesn’t mean Im interested in every guy I meet, that also doesn’t mean I cant love a girl. Love is love, its not something that is placed within a special category, its not something society can write all over and stain it to be what people want it to be. Every relationship is different, and categorizing every little bit of your life will only inhibit what you can do with people. Categorizing right from wrong, normal and weird gives every bit of action and decision a certain connotation that will ultimately drive you to do something you might not want to do just because of the connotation it gives. Im not going to wear these jeans today because Ive worn them the other day, therefore they must be dirty, therefore im not going to wear them. … Well why not? Do they look dirty? Smell dirty. Essentially, are they, and if you don’t think so then why does it matter anyways? Why not smoke five cigarettes, cuz they are bad for you? Yeah they are bad for you, so what? Smoke them today and don’t do it tomorrow. People are so afraid to do what they want its almost not sensible. People give reason a name, call it common sense, but there isn’t any common sense in doing what you want to do. Living life isn’t necessarily something that is reasonable. No one ever said that living life had to be the most economically efficient, or healthiest. Why are people being so cautious? Afraid of the pain? Afraid of the consequences? Then when will we ever learn if we are going to bound ourselves to what is reasonable, what is practical?

Fear. Its part of life. Its not something we should try to avoid. Its also not something “bad” its something to get over. With every bit of courage, you must have face hardship and fear. With every win you’ve over come the loss. With ever loss you have won a chance, a chance to do better the next time. With every chance comes a new beginning to something ultimately different. Why be reasonable? When everything you thought youd be doing will only come out as expected. And why always do things that are expected when your never going to get a chance to live and learn?

And saying Im gay gives the impression that Im interested in certain things like anal sex, and blowing a boy until he screams. Which is not at all true. Saying your gay just gives an invalid impression of what any gay man is. We are all people, like you and me we have preferences, preferences that develop. So generalizing me as say “gay” ultimately gives the wrong impression of who I really am. And I think ultimately it hinders a lot of relationships I make, it makes certain people more comfortable and it makes certain people avoid me. And who are they to judge me? But hey, whatever. I could give a rats ass about people that are going to stereotype me. I don’t need people looking at me thinking invalid thoughts of who I really am. I don’t need boys thinking that a hug means im sexually interested in their little ass. To me itd be a lil better so I don’t have to deal with it. Although to prove a point, we are all people, and we all have different ranges of interest when it comes to sexuality. So I don’t think I need to categorize myself when people ask me, they’ll just have to get to know me. And ill just need to get to know them. If something develops then they do. Man or Woman.

What is love really? It feels like now a days it has to go through a date, then it’s the announcement of whether you are now officially the boyfriend, or the girlfriend. Its so impersonal, like an interview, dress up to impress and you’ll see if you make it or not. I mean… to what I imagine love as, it doesn’t seem to have to necessarily include these confrontations. I just wanna get to know a guy, talk to him, be friends as things should be. Living side by side. And one day well decide to live together, as our lives slowly progress toward this union. Something simple, as love should be.

That day will come. I guess.

I'm sorry, but I really had to write this down cuz this has been just a mind blowing issue for me. I cant even fathom the proclaim difficulty it seems to be to visit me lol. Johana and Lisa, I love you guys to death but you guys have been blowing off our scheduled get together like its some god awful 2nd rate play day with your neighbors kids or something.

The first time I thought itd be nice if you guys couldve came to Megan's Pool Party. It was just some friends, awesome house and a nice pool. I just wanted you to meet some of the people I spent time with here at school, you know, so you can get a picture of how my life here has been and stuff like that. It was just going to be a chill day, it wasnt going to be as far as SD, it was co-ed, and atleast there was a nice place to stay if you needed to. You guys told me it was going to be awkward for you guys - alright. I'm still bitter although I didnt see the reason why you guys couldnt come and see me. I dont see why any thing else wouldve bothered our time together, it was a good environment to relax.

2nd time you guys didnt come was because Johana had Pink Eye and wanted to lounge around at home. Errr.... really... I can't even comprehend how that was a good excuse lol. But if you guys said it, i mean... it mustve meant you guys didnt want to come that day. I mean our whole apartment had pink eye that week too, I think I know how pink eye works.... its not bad at all lol and we had antibiotics that she couldve taken to actually relieve her of the symptoms... but i guess that wasnt a good enough reason.

3rd time was actually going to be today. Last day I couldve hung out with Johana really because I have to study this week for next weeks Finals. Johana is leaving for China soon and this was going to be my chance. Lisa said she was going to be here at 11 so I thought this was perfect, no questions asked, no excuses. apparently the next day Johana needed to help out her dad - which is fine, but I hope she had told her parents first that she was going to SD. And then lisa tells me they arent going anymore cuz of traffic. ....and i was just thinking...well its only 11am its fine if you guys come around 2 or 3. - traffic is a given, its a 2 hour drive what do you expect? and then i suggest sleeping over, so they wouldnt have to worry. I mean at first I thought sleeping over was also a given lol - cuz.... well its a 2 hour drive so theyll have to drive 4 hours during the day so its not really worth it... to not stay... and then they tell me they don't wanna stay over. lol ... WoooooW. i dont even know why. you guys. lol atleast give me good reasons why not lol. i mean, for the most part with all these excuses, its just seems like its not convenient for you and thats why your not coming lol..... and well... thats not ... well i dont know, i guess im not worth it, i guess i dont deserve to see johana. although honestly though just tell me cuz I have had a long time where I couldve just drove up to visit too, just tell me your not going to visit so I can visit you guys. Cuz now I dont get a chance at all. I dont have any problems staying over lol or driving at 11am through traffic lol. Ive had pink eye so I dont mind if I have that too. nor do I mind meeting your friends if it met hanging out with you guys. so please humor me with more excuses.

am i bitter. YES. give me better excuses guys. REALLY.
btw its nice having my place cleaned the night before so I can have guests over: trash, laundry, bedsheets, dishes, vacuum. fun fun fun.
I was so stoked for seaport village and delicious desserts. UGH And the sun is ACTUALLY OUT today lol haha the irony

Told him.

I did it. fast and painless. its over now. I'm glad. Although now that is gone... I have nothing to look forward to. only more time to myself, more time to think.

I have nothing to live for.
I don't know why I do these things to myself. But it seems like i have to. its a necessity to my inner self. If I dont then what do I have to live for? I feel like my life is not worth living. whats beyond the next block is hardly worth walking to because once we get there its just another block to walk forward to.

I feel trapped. I feel like I have nothing going for me. Every bit of happiness is self deluded. Every bit of happiness is created only to avoid myself of recent grief. My life isnt worth living. the only way I see fit to help myself is to get off the little pleasure and moments of joy that past me and even in the midst of happiness I fall back into depression. Back in my bed thinking. wondering.

Im frustrated. Im better than this. I can be better than this. I can get away from this. I can.
I dont know how. Please. Someone. Save me.

I;m becoming a pessimist. I come to realize that optimism is a delusion. Actually. Ive always known this. but still I tell myself happiness is a delusion, it needs to be pillared by optimism and that in itself is based upon delusion.

I don't know who I am anymore. I woke up today feeling like a different person. I feel like I hate people for no reason. Do you ever feel like the way your acting is differnt from the way your feeling? Do you ever think the way you act portrays a different person to what you yourself believes yourself to be? Thats how i feel sometimes. sometimes I don't know if I'm really myself I claim to myself to be. I don't know if anybody really knows me.

I just don't know anymore. I wish someone knew. I wish someone was here. I wish someone would hold me and take it all away. I just....

don;t know what to live for anymore

5:55 Saturday night/ Early Early Sunday Morning
I really should be reading and taking notes for my sociology class but well... Im not.
Ive been studying the whole day for math20E ugh. doing all the homework and honestly the course material isnt all that hard so I dont know whether if it was a waste or time or not. Monday is the exam although I still have to finish an essay for sociology and I have yet to start. I'm technically suppose to be reading or at least getting some rest but.... ugh I just want to do something.

Btw I received my letter. The letter that informed me how I did in the formal hearing for the alcohol incident. guilty. As I had expected but had secretly hoped for success. whatever. I play innocent fuckin brilliantly but my story didn't hold up to all the seemingly hard evidence they put against me. some of which i had a good way of defending if i had known they were going to say it. They had said that they heard our apartment from the 100's and came look. - This is a ... well ABSURD statement. Firstly the 100s is across a small quad from our lovely 300 apartments, and if they were by the 100s they would have had to hear our building on the other side of the 100s that is not facing us. Keep in mind that 1) we live near the free way 2) Theres no way they could have heard the 300s namely our apartment if anything across a quad and on the other side of a building, 3) .... We can't generate that much noise lol even if we tried. I wanted to make the point that these RA's and RSO's were out to get us clearly and seemed to make up any excuse to check into our apartments. The time they said they heard us was 12:00 which was before quiet hours. they gave me the excuse of courtesy hours which again is fine but that would mean they can technically check out any building at any given time if they were deemed too loud. - namely we were not. But anyways I told the judges (all students) that I mustve had the music too loud and that I was busy tidying and cleaning up the house. When they had knocked I was upstairs collecting my recyclables. I came down opened up and they started accusing me left and right. Politely apologized for the noise but even then they didnt believe me and seemed dead on to right me up and come inside. I said no, my roommates are not here I would rather you not look through my apartment without full consent of my roommates. I told the judges this and i think partially half of them believed me but the closing statement seemed to kill my story. They said that cop had told them it was clearly not music and there was definitely people. And it seemed it was there word against mine really, so I couldnt do much. I have to admit though, i looked fuckin nerdy as hell. perfect disguise really.

Well anyways, its about 3rd week into the quarter now. Things have been going well. I went home the other day. got a hair cut, spent some time with dad and mom. nice. it was a good day. Had not seen them for a good while. missed home.

Bryant and i have been getting along well. A lot better than before. We IM each other a good amount, hes talkative and he seems comfortable with me now. Im glad. Although I clearly can see now that hes straight. I mean before I knew too so to those out there who know bryant please don't judge me too quickly. Hes shy reserved has relatively good humor, has a good personality but hes not with anyone ... mm... idk just kinda fishy i thought thats all. But I'm seeing now that its his shyness that is getting at him. Overall he has very high self esteem but I can see pessimism in his eyes once in awhile as well. hes a good kid, cool guy. Wed would only be so lucky if he played on our side. Hey but not too bad, i mean it was a bad deal for me either way. The kid is off to Europe for school next year, leaving for nor cal during the summer. I probably wont see him until august of next year after these hmmm what 8 more weeks. That would have given me 2 months to really get things together with bryant, and the fact that hes only a bit iffy on sexuality isnt the best thing to depend on with 2 months time. But hey Im happy though, spending time with him has really given me thought i guess. I was talking to Sam about this whole ordeal with Bryant and you know what I know deep down I was never going to get with Bryant. I just wanted to get to know him, and its gotten me good results. Im realistic but half the time I just want to be a little school girl and chase after cute boys. So please dont go mad at me if i have to chase straight boys when there is no one there for me to really get at. I know its not going to work out, I know. Sam, I just want you to know Im not stupid, and Im not going out there to open up and get shot down unknowingly, blinded. I'm just lonely and really if I don't at least give myself a goal or at least practice flirting or making good companionship im going to go crazy. really. I'm long over due for a relationship, im long over due for a good clique of gay friends, I really think sometimes I'm alone in this world, so please dont strike me down as some dumb shit faggot cause I am just trying to collect sanity the way I can. Crushes help me get over this craziness, it helps me fantasize, helps me relax and give me hope. Its true I know its not going to happen but I also have a good part of me that believes it will, so its a wavering belief on and off and it really helps when I'm feeling down or upset. This is how I deal with the world, especially in the love department. Its the way Ive been doing it and hopefully I wont have to as much in the future. I mean Ive also learned a lot about myself with trying to conquer such a daring task. Oddly enough Im very myself and very rational when I'm with cute boys, I think I tend to hide my more energetic self (even though i dont usually show it to often anyways).

anyways just woke up cuz my computer turned off last night but all the above was saved phew. anyways off to wrighting my essay

First week of school... and it was beautiful.
For the most part it was a better weekend than it was a better week but Ill start with the week and work my way up :D
So lets just start out with that I get a 3 day pass each week to get to talk to my favorite little white boy crush Bryant. :D Nice? Nice. Things between him and I are really coming along. Before it might've have been a little awkward on his side - We would talk on AIM and he would rarely talk more than a few words. I could only pray for sentence length responses. But now things have been getting way better, hes definitely more talkative when we hang out and writes longer responses on AIM hah. I clearly could tell that by friday he was well comfortable with me. Hazzah! I mean another benefit to getting to know Bryant better is that fact that I should probably connect with one of the boys in 925 so I don't feel too awkward at their place lol. I mean its not like i don't know them its just that I'm not all frenzied for DOTA and all the other things they do. If I go over there Id hope for something fun and atleast something socially stimulating. Bryant doesnt DOTA, I dont either. (ding ding ding)

Another nice bit of the week was getting to bask in the delights of what I call plan of action "no class on tuesdays or thursdays". I think its the most brilliant thing ever. The terrible fact is that I don't go to all my classes anyways in any given quarter. Out of all my classes there will always be that easy to pass class, or the class not worth going to cause of the terrible professor. I have to admit, if I dont go to a class its probably an issue about the professor - I have had a lot of bad professors, irritating ones, and also those that have strong accents- neither in which I would waste my time on if I could easily study at home and do perfectly well in anyways. Anyways so yeah, that's why I set up my classes all on MWF. I can now easily pick which classes I don't need to go and maximize effeciency :D Ive gone to almost all my classes, and I think I've definitely decided to go to a maximum of 3/4 classes this quarter - and maybe go to that 4th class on special circumstances.

I also talked to my Student Advocate on Friday. My Formal hearing is well...TOMORROW! AHH. So I was at least relieved to talk to somebody about this before I went insane minutes before the hearing lol. So I had told her the "story" about my incident that night. She believed me and we talked a lot about the issues. She does not deny this is a hard case to fight however she will still represent me if I insisted. I talked to her a little more and decided not to, she herself had no brilliant green light, and told me the system in this situation has set me up such that it was hard for me to really win- it seemed biased. Either I was relieved to talk to somebody about it. I felt that I wasnt getting much support from some of my friends at the time and talking to Juliet the student council was a major reliever. She was actually very chill and cool. I could definitely see her as being a friend of mine.

Anyways the other awesome reasons of the week lets recap....
Last Friday - Smoked out with Aldo cause everyone was not here yet :D
Last Saturday we drank and chilled I think
Monday I we did Salvia! WOO I had a CRAZY Trip. And dang It was like entering another dimension. I can kinda explain it but Its probably best if i just explain it over speech rather than text. Salvia is a legal drug, apparently it has no cons toward health related issues, or none found so far anyways. But it was well... for me something I escaped to, a fantasy land. Ill have to buy some for myself and try this again. It was fun, during the trip i didnt even remember that I was in the room nor did i remember people. My friends told me I looked like I was driving a car lol or mightve even been cooking. (I was not lol but even I cant explain what i was doing lol)
I think tuesday or wednesdays we had "brownies" - they were actually very delicious, and it lasted for quite a good time. It came in waves as i remembered. It was a good day wasted just dazing into space.
On Thursday we went to the club opening of Twilight! Alright...so this was a straight club.. so i didnt really have that much fun. All the guys I came with seemed only out to dance with girls that they didnt really know so I was just wandering around a lot the whole time. Not fun at all but Im over it.

So Friday we go to the board club party! hurray! and it was dank. It was so fun! and soooo crowded too. There was like two kegs + jungle juice. The jungle juice they made was so good. delicious. We went with like a 15 people, 10 guys 5 girls. we had so many people, we took 3 or 4 cars. I had a little too much I think and I ended up throwing up in my own car! OMG it was so gross. Mike was DD that night, and I was trying to tell him that I had to throw up, but I was to tired to, all i said was.... MIKE..... and the minutes later i couldnt hold it in :( I mostly threw up on myself, then greg hands me a bag, the rest goes in there and then I throw the bag out of the window.... I never knew where that bag landed that night.... I remember the house was huge! and I could smell weed all over. I remember practically falling in the sleep in the shower haha

Then on Saturday we go to the Sigma Kappa Party. That shit was crazy too. We come up to this big mansion... and ofcourse the driver tells us its the one next door to the mansion hah. but it was still really nice. They had 6 beer pong tables. I ended up losing the first game sadly and had to troll! :( sigh. They also kegs and jungle juice there. They had like 4 kegs plus a lot of other alcohol. beautiful. there jungle juice was pretty strong though. None of the boys came with us, it was just me sam and aldo who came. We also came with Christine and Sela both of which I havent talked to much in the past but now had the chance too. I remember talking to Sela a good amount and she was pretty cool. I also remember dancing with Christine, she was pretty cool and she seemed to enjoy dancing a lot. Me and Sam met random people and they were surprising pretty chill. All in all the night went well, I drank a lot but i think this time around I was better at holding my alcohol. OH and btw that day was also spent cleaning my car. It was all jungle juice, so everything was red! lol omg it looked grossss. but it wasnt actually too hard to clean out. I bought to things of lysol which really came handy. Now it looks beautifully new and you couldnt ever tell even if you put your nose right up to the seat. Im pretty sure the amount of lysol i used couldve killed off the last remnant of any bacterial culture living within 10 feet radius of my car lol. so my car looks fine :D. Anyways, crazy week, most fun Ive had....really lol. it was crazy.

Then the next day we went to the beach! Hazzah! It was sooo relaxing. I remember just laying there, watching the sky and think how peaceful it was. ahhh.... I just felt like i had so much time, so much time to just rest and relax. It was nice, Bryant came along too. We had been talking all week and I felt like... instead of trying to hit on him or anything like that he knows that Im just a friend and it just seems mroe real i guess. For some reason right now I appreciate friendship a lot more than dating. Dating doesnt seem as real as friendship to mee right now, dating is clouded by expectations and first impressions, and make up, and all this worry and worth value it seems ingenuine. If I can only become a friend first and have it lead up to a beautiful ending it seems way more worthwhile. But anyways, we go back and I take a nap. it was a good sunday before ....well... before Monday my trial.....!!!

I write that next in my next bloggggg.

so its 5:27. Book in hand, lying in bed. I'm just waiting for someone to shoot me.
Sigh. Ive been so tired lately. All the studying, balancing friends, balancing time- its hard.
All the things ive been putting off has finitely started to catch up to me and well just have to see if some disaster is going to strike me at the end of the week.

Well I havent updated this since... hmm NYE.. heh so Ill have to just fill in you guys on what has happened since then.
2nd quarter, winter quarter hasnt been too rough overall. and thus weve been having a lot of fun this quarter, some i might be regretting now looking at all the time i couldve been saving. The most exciting probably by far is our recent snow trip a few weeks back. I remember it clearly, it was the weekend after the first wave of midterms. For those who didnt have gear we asked around. I got snow pants from Ephie, and a nice water proof jacket from Mike. Only thing left for me to buy were some nice snow gloves and viola I was set :D. So we went to big bear- the 12 of us i think. we all had a slumber party that night too haha being the masculine men they were, we all slept on the mattresses we had brought down; it was so adorable haha. it had reminded me of last year when we did the same in the study room haha and then Gina told us we were causing a fire hazard haha. we ended up sleeping at 12 when we were suppose to sleep alot earlier. and even then some of us couldnt sleep cuz we were all jittery and excited. I on the other hand was jittery due to a different reason. I had strategically planned my space on the mattress next to cutie boy Bryant :D. Honestly though its a terrible thing to do, just because I usually can't sleep at all when I'm all nervous. we all woke up at 4 and left, had a mcdonalds breakfast and got there at 8ish. Sam had drove, (phew) we were all tired but the drive seemed so windy, i probably wouldve drove us off a cliff. When we got there it was nice out. I HAD NEVER SEEN OR FELT SNOW TILL THEN! I was so excited. We all decided to snowboard except Mike and Jim. I didnt know what I was doing, neither did half our group haha which was funny. all the noobs had stuck to a experienced snowboarder, but in the end i kinda just left the group to experiment till i got the hang of it. We were all falling and flying left and right but by midday we had all gotten most of it down. well atleast enough to get us down the slope :D haha. It was so fun, It was the most fun I have had in a long time. for the most part we were all falling but we didnt care, we would just get back up. I have to admit though, snowboarding was one of those things that was just worth it. I was all sore even during the time we were practicing. We would always fall on our ass, our PALMS (omg T_T), our sides, face forward, face behind. Ive probably fallen every possible way. At times I would be falling with my back facing the bottom of the slope :( which is really scary. and then there are times when you fly and land face down into snow. fuckkkkk. we went and ate a lil and came back for a few more runs. haha. i remember clearly that by that time i was feeling terrible. Aldo had asked me to help him out, but apparently a lot of people have tried and couldnt help poor aldo out. Ive tried too, he just cant get up. and i have to admit, getting up was a lil hard but he just needed to get used to it and he just couldnt do it. There was no way for me to help him, it wasnt any technique to really advise him on, other than to just get up. I had to leave him tragically. everytime i would show him i would slowly slide down the ramp more and more to the point there was no way to hear him. Anyways so I continued down, the boys no where to be seen. I go down an intermediate ramp, one of the harder ones and I slid and fell and everything. I was sooooo tired and sore that I just wanted to cry lol. I was in so much pain and that last fall had made in ten times worst like punching a bruise. I sat there for a good 5 minutes. sigh. it was fun but fuck did it hurt. we all finished up by 4. left at 5 and got home around 8. it was nice. i called lisa since it was her birthday and had a 3 hour chat with her. other than that it was pretty fun day.

Theres been a lot of fun during the weekends too, party here and there. Tragically during one of those parties I had gotten written up! UGH. We were hosting one night and we started playing a fun game called landmines. we were getting a bit loud and suddenly there was a ominous knock at out door. we all hid and put away our beer cans. Everyone was out of sight and i opened the door. I came out all red from drinking but I didnt care a bit. There were two RA's, a cop and the RSO. omg was I fucken scared. I just did what anyone else would do, be polite. out of all of them there was this lil bitchy asian girl, she had a cute face but thats all you could say. she immediately asked for my name and i simply told her. They were telling me that I smelled like beer and it was obvious i was drinking. I had told them I wasnt. They then asked me if I would let them come in, but I had refused. She even threatened that if I didnt let her in all the people in my apartment would be in danger of getting a write up as well. I had simply told her they aren't here. She was so persistent about letting their lil girl scout group into my apt (given the cop and 1 of the RA were guys). She then comes back and tells us that that I had given consent to write up the apt. WOW no no. i was so angry at them. they were soooo rude and i was trying to be polite and helpful. They even said they heard BEER cans. what does that even mean?! Im sure if you heard the beer cans you could probably hear all the soda cans in there too i bet! jesus christ. They even told me they heard people and thats why they needed to come in. I told them no one was here, and even so it could have just been me coming down the stairs. w.e so i made my apointment this week, on friday actually to meet with the assistant resident dean. I really dont think they have proof that I was drinking unless they breath-ilizered me, all they can say was i was red- which doesnt prove anything and that i smelled like it which also doesnt prove i was drinking. I could have went to an off campus party and come back smelling like beer. anyways Ill have to plan out my argument until then. By the way, i was proud of taking a bullet for my apt. but jeez nobody gave me any help or congrats to my effort. Mike and Aldo can sometimes be tag team bitches. Greg didnt say anything about it. The only one i can depend on for thx and thumbs up was Sam. i dont think he gave me a thumbs up per say but he atleast appreciated me. cmon guys be a lil bit more understanding? i have to go in to see the assistant dean atleast you guys can be supportive?

On another occasion we had went to xiao fei yang for chinese new year YUM! although we also did power hour that same night and also not too long after and most of us couldnt take it and threw up : ( not cool! especially paying for delicious hot pot dinner! :(
And then this weekend we went to play golf. I knew how much Sam had loved golf so there was no way I could have denied him. I think Sam and I have been getting a lot closer. especially now since we kinda have to, were definitely going to aptmentmates next year for sure because Greg and Mike are leaving us to room with DB and Jim. Im glad because I think Sam is such an adorable person, college wouldnt be college without my roommate SAM! :D And then Aldo is being a total trust crusher with his comments like "I might live with foodworks people" Hey Im fine with him leaving us but he cant always be depending on us like were a back up. ugh. atleast don't tell me anyways. he gets all butt hurt when mike and greg told him that they were leaving him next year to live with DB and Jim. and now he tells me that he might live with someone else like its not even an issue. ALDO! you need to know where your stepping. if your gonna leave our group then do so, but dont linger and have us as your second option. I honestly don't care how awesome foodworks people are, we were your friends first and now just like that you turn your back on us. its almost funny cuz he himself believes in his friendship with us to be so strong. now that hes met some other people hes up and gone. haha no really its laughable how a person can get bought so easily. Anyways like i was saying, Sam wanted me to go golfing and I did despite the fact that I slept at 8AM studying. Although I dont regret going it was a blast. I was one with nature haha looking for my ball up in the hills and trees haha.

On another note Ive been talking to a lot of people from DL lately. Although I probably only conenct with one seeing as the others are just creepers. Like really. So I talked to this one guy named David, hes 27, a fob, no profile picture which is pretty shady. And ... i dont know if people understand... well people. you cant just be like hey we talked the other day how bout me coming over your place? HELL NO! wth? I hardly know you and you think Im going to invite you over my house?! WTF? I honestly tell the people who say things like this to their face. well maybe not this harshly. I told david - hey, your being to blunt and forward. i hardly know you, take sometime to talk to me, im not comfortable with half the things your saying. you know what he says? he just says- k. and doesnt say anything beyond that. HAHA WOW really. people are just terrible. go on, give me your best shot, show me what makes you ...well attractive at the very least, i dont even know how you look or even had the slightest notion of personality. I mean people dont even have the decency to try anymore. There is this other creeper, Eddie. and he does the same basically. once i tell them to back off try another approach all he says is okay and doesnt say anything else and waits like a week to try the whole thing up again. men are laughable its sad. Although I have met atleast one decent guy, who i have to admit puts more effort than he really should. His name is Miles. I call him Me-Less secretly cuz thats what we call the other Miles hehe and its cute. Miles is funny, trusting, and for the most part has more personality than most guys Ive met. which is what I want. and im not even speaking about relationships, just friendship. I dont wanna have a boring relationship with anyone friend or boyfriend. I kinda realize this when Im with Bryant. Bryant is cute but he doesnt have a talkative personality. hes shy but even when he opens up he doesnt say more than a couple of lines. hes reserved and he probably deserves a good cute european chick rather than me trying to get in his pants every other time i see him. (well i dont really try THAT but i atleast try to make conversation) Its sad, even the cute ones dissapoint me sometimes, and i can barely find a guy to relate with. Im long past due for a good gay friend and i really think i can trust Miles. Ive been talking to him for 2 weeks now and its been fun. We do talk a lot though. and at time he wants to talk a lot longer when i just want to relax in bed and sleep. btw hes in his early 20s, i think hes 22. i havent checked his profile out too much but overall i dont think i need to at this point. For the most part if anybodys being a bad friend its me, although i really cant help it, im not a phone person and he tries to talk to me everyday. which im already tired of haha. He might be a lil too much for me to handle .... we were getting so close too. Im comfortable with him and we can talk about almost anything now. hmmm... i wonder how things will turn out, hope hell still be my friend.

On the more uglier note i have hmmm 3 midterms and a quiz to study for. hurray. and Im pretty much going to die by the end of this week.
so far i have a stats midterm tomorrow and i have to elarn everything NOW so i can do atleast decent. i have a quiz on physics, and its 2 chapters not the normal 1. then I have CENG homework and midterm to studty for that lands on wednesday and friday the midterm. then i still have to go meet with the assistant res dean at 3:30, prepare my argument. hopefully itll go smoothly. And aside of all this i need to finish my FAFSA, my TRAFFIC SCHOOL that has been both long over due for me to do. and then i also need to study for an OCHEM midterm that is coming up the following tuesday. FUCK MY LIFE.

Well I guess at least I ended up doing something :(
As of NYE Morning I had the belief that I was going to do something eventful with Aldo and Mike seeing that they wanted to do something really badly.

In the end. Mike finds a party at his hometown Hemet with some friends. Aldo and I contemplate on joining him or not, but with all the commotion going on NYE and all, he decides not to go thus leaving me to decide if I should go alone or not- which I hesitantly decided not to. So I stayed home for awhile and made Jia Jia Mien which was delicious.

I decide to check out Rudy's NYE party, which in the end wasnt really a party, but more of a hangout which came out to no surprise. There was games and music which was fine although there were no drinking games which usually puts the life into the party.

We ended up playing Beer Pong although it was weird because we really didnt play with a ping pong ball, nor did we play on a table. and we had to look for this ball for like half an hour, did I mentioned we only played with one ball? It was kinda...eh and the game took forever and we ended up not finishing the game! wow, never in my life have seen or heard of not finishing the first BP game. I drank a shot or 2 before BP, finished half of our side's beer and then had like a little bit more and ended up getting sleepy. We watched a little bit of Twilight Zone and went home. I had sobered up for like a hour already before I drove the short distance back home then crashed. All in all, lame NYE : (

Wooh New Years Eve! This has been such a crazy year. I loved it, Ive hated it but overall its been it a great experience. The ending of dorm life, entering apartment. Seeing which friends I would stay close to, and how things have fluctuated since then.

So the first quarter to live in an apartment, definitely exciting. I stopped working to enjoy and to take it all in. focusing more on my studies, and took more time to get to know more people. As I figured, we all have seperated a little which isnt necessarily a bad thing. Which only means Ive gotten more time to get close to the people that I actually click better with. Namely my apartment mates : Aldo Sam Greg and Mike.

The Apartment:
I think living with people helps you really establish a view, a certain perspective on how you see a person. Namely, I can now tell whether I can really get along with them or not aside of the occasional small talk and hang out. Hmmm... So I would have to say I get along the best with Aldo. Hes open, hes talkative, hes social- I can be perfectly honest with Aldo and he would not judge/criticize or get offended. I love Aldo, although he seems to be straying away from our little 706 clan. Then there's Sam - the one and only roommate. Hes chill and relaxed, although hes not as talkative and sometimes I get worried if hes bottling all his emotions up. Although then again hes carefree at times, he sometimes just seems he would rather have his opinions to himself. 3rd apartment mate would be Gregory! Greg is funny although he doesnt have much to say to me. haha. Its really weird, we really don't have conversations, but more like...situations where he makes random funny faces and actions and I just laugh haha. Hes pretty awesome, although I don't really click with him :( hes not very open either or one to speak about his feelings or anything personal. Lastly there is Mike. Errr.... Mike just seems to ignore me. more so, it seems like he feels awkward around me at times. He doesnt speak to me only unless its necessary - maybe we just don't click and he sees that. Even though he ignores me, it is not in a mean/harsh manner, it just simply how it is. If it were up to me, I wish me Aldo and Sam would stick together although I have to admit, i would rather not have Mike tag along.

The Lovelife:
Hmm personally I haven't found anyone at school that I am particularly interested in. I find Bryant to have a beautiful body, an adorable personality but we just think differently. By nature hes very innocent and childlike. He is quiet at times and I find it hard sometimes to strike up conversation. more or less he is eye candy... hes probably straight anyways :P so I'm glad I dont like him too much anyways. Besides bryant though... I really don't think of anyone in that way, everyone is just a casual friend. Along the subject of love and friendship though - Me and Lisa had a conversation about friendship and love and how one would decide whether to choose to start a relationship or a friendship when meeting a person. I think its a tough question at times but sometimes it may be obvious. In Lisa's opinion, someone she is interested is someone she is really close to, like a best friend and that there is a very small difference btwn the two (bf and best friend). I agree on some extent but there are definitely difference between a boyfriend and a best friend in my eyes. A boyfriend can spark from a friendship. You just start to realize that hes everything you would want in a boyfriend, for me its looks that might spark realization but personality also can spark it too, it could just be like something he says or does. In the end I think that theres no definitive line, relationships can evolve. and all the things you might see imperfect about someone you start to care for and love will be slowly dismissed. I mean... it definitely is the same with friends, less so, but you don't see flaws in your friends, you dont care how they dress or how tall they are, or if they have bad finger nails etc, and even if they do do something odd or shocking you dismiss it. Anyways theres isnt anyone special right not. That and the fact that I don't feel ready. I don't think I have the time or the commitment right now to be with somebody. I feel like i want a relationship badly but really thinking about the whole situation all together, I don't think I have what it take right now.

Aside of school Ive been having a fun break. Although I have to admit the first week went by pretty fast and was very unproductive. The second week was the week of christmas, I hung out with Johana a lil bit at her grandmothers place before she had left. I got to hang out with Lisa and Brent for a day I think, and even got back together with some old Chinese School friends for a short dinner. I then went to sixflags with the SD crew and had the most coldest fun experience yet. the day after I went to hang out with vincent, a guy I talked to online for a good 2 or 3 months. I had met online when I was buzzed haha and had striked up a good conversation. We kept in touch a little bit over Aim and i think it was our nerdiness that brought us together to meet. He has a boyfriend unfortunately but I think we are coming to be good friends. Hes more or less the feminine type and I can't see myself ever dating him if it had been a different circumstance. Lets see... the beginning of the final week Lisa and Brent wanted to go on a road trip to Arizona. Although Lisa had thought it would only take a day and that we wouldnt even be staying...we had to change our plans. So we hung out and went iceskating on Monday at Pasedena :D it was fun, and then we went to Sunday Bistro for dinner, then phoenix for dessert and back to my place to chill. The next day I got to hang out with Jennifer and Wendy, whom i havent seen for a goodwhile too, we got to spend the day at j-town and then finished it off at yogurtland YUM :P oh... candycane yogurt? gross. haha. Hmmmmm... so that leaves today, New Years Eve. Although we were planning to hang out Mike and Aldo ended up having their own plans. Leaving me at home ugh. Ill probably catch up with Jen seeing she has nothing to do either but work out. I should work out a lil at home too haha. and I also bought ingredients to make Ja Ja Mien :P hurray. nom nom nom.

I'm Leaving home this friday and I think Im overjoyed due to the lack of ...well a lack of things to do. I just want to have something to occupy my time. I also want to go back and see Sam I miss that guy! :( And I had said I was going to see him this break which I didnt, he must hate me.

So I have been talking to ALdo lately, not that he cares, or gives a flying shit stain about it, but the fact that we only live once, we only live to live, and that nobody in the sane world ceases to care. Alright, so forgive me if I may be speaking blasphemy upon anyones beliefs, or if I maybe speaking ill-fully toward any precept of moral justification. But the world of individuals has shut itself to its truest potential through the act of being civil, through its trials of right and wrong, to give meaning to action. Through justification and "equality" have we really benefited our lives in such a way that life is more worth living? I am not saying to be a sinner to live a life of a sinner, im not saying to live a life of a murderer of a thief, Its the underlying essential of free will. And also the correlation of bad and good tied to everything in life which may be hindering our whole perspective of life.

Let me just say that life is subjective. In fact everything is subjective, and given this, we as a society have deemed and given every little aspect within life a certain little meaning, a certain connotation of "for better or for worst" mentality. And for the most part we all believe connotation as T R U T H. let me just point out that im trying to point out that we all believe life is this all restrictive all encompassing world of learn -> job --> money, hard work -> recognition. Belief and faith -> salvation. haha is this all true!? true in the sense that is it real, beyond our connotations, beyond our society. does money even matter if we didnt believed it mattered. will money and jobs pay off in the end or is the world just playing cat and mouse with us until they milk us of our sanity. sure you work, sure you study, but then what? you get your paycheck and you spend it on something fancy, something nice, is this not just sustainability? you get your toys, your vacation, your sanity from your insanity job, only to have it be taken away and be put back to work. you might as well be working in a farm hoping for 15 minute breaks and calling it your life.

So what I am wondering if people understand life? not the creation or the destruction, but the identity, the realism of life's existence. And let me just point out, is there any reason to be doing something you dont want to be doing? any reason at all. Why hold yourself back from doing the things you want? this is your life, and all the consequences of a mishap, a wrong, is something just as meaningful as something that would come out right. We live in an era of stupidity, people are afraid to make mistakes, to look dumb, to learn. All we do is assimulate, immitate. are we ever as strong as we really wished to be? with all the limitation, with all the restrictions in life, do you ever wonder why we never become the people of greatness, but only those who hide behind facades, lies and deceit. we live off optimism and hope, "do what we can", do things to get by is what we say, we live on the lie that if we had put in our 100% that we couldve done it with our eyes closed, we do not admit defeat or weakness. does it ever feel like you have limited choices? the few we make each day, compared to the endless chance and decisions of reality beyond ours. Behind all the lies we make up for our wrongs, and reasoning will we ever live to fulfill happiness.

so what am i really trying to get at all this nonsense? Is that happiness is against us. we live in the era alarming economy, post modern depression, a world ending due to our past, a hopeless society driven to better the future with high tech machines. maybe its me, but everything is pit against self gratification. can we really be artists or farmers if our hearts desired it? Could you really afford to live out within the forest for the rest of your life if you really wanted to? I mean would it be reasonable now to say Id like to stop school, leave the world and go do what I really want...
Although once again, even to my own philosophy I fall short because I too am trapped within soceities dimensions of regulation, restriction and its end feeling of angst.

Another subject I wanted to dip into more heavily was connotation. I believe in shamelessness. That whatever you want to do never ever has to be justified. its life, and you should always do what you want. Why? because you have only one life to live, whether you are living it badly in the eyes of others or beautifully and righteously. It should never be about what others might think, even the closest people in your life because it is the way you are. If you did something, you had enough want and intention to do it, not doing something you really wanted to do is only denying yourself. time wasted, part of your life is gone. the connotations of bad and good are subjective to everyone, the belief of a bad and a good is faulty, it is not real but only to those who practice it.
lets not speak about the extremes just yet, but the more common issues within society. whether it is wrong to be rude, to look disheveled coming to class, to be messy when knowingly someone is coming over to visit. These are all things that are nonexistent, but only real whether you believe it or not.

ill edit this later on and add more...

One of the many reasons why I hate society

There seems to be so many things wrong with this world, and sometimes…. Sometimes I don’t even know if its real. The question if its very existence is astounding. The notion that just being raised and born to this world and having so many issues and problems with it is one that is so odd. Imagine being born into a family that you end up disliking, rather then loving; feeling indifferent and inferior rather than being held as a rightful member, an individual. I guess... its a very odd idea that many people just accept as fact: life is unfair. Is it really? i mean we as a species have created everything within society, we are trying to make this sort of utopian society. yet even people being born to our world end of having problems and issues with it. why is that? i dont think im making this quite too obvious or clear... we are born within a world with so many becoming indifferent to its beliefs and rules, we feel we need to be unique, we feel like we need to become different, become independent. are we not a society? why are we so selfish, needy, do things for ourselves and not the community. at almost every point we are constantly struggling to keep up. school (including college)- 24yrs of your life. if its not that its the transition to career, jobs. and then its retirement. our whole lives are planned out. we never have time to figure out what we want, who we are, where were from. sometimes i feel like im the only one worried about the real issues of life. life isnt about school, a job. true survival is the key point in this quest of knowledge but has anybody stopped and just thought about whats really happening? whats passing us by? its not about finding that someone to love and be happy forever, its not about gaining all that wealth to get that mansion, to support a family. indeed society has placed boundaries upon every aspect of life in such a way that we have narrowed down our lives into truly similar styles of life or to very limited decisions toward its production. but what does it mean to be alive? and whats its significance and importance? its something we all cant really trace until we break the walls of society and give ourselves and permit ourselves to make TRUE decisions.

is a rat really making the choice to survive, to find that piece of cheese when it is someone else who created the maze? are we really making decisions when it comes to everyday activities? do you really believe that we control our lives? just because it may seem like you technically can do ANYTHING you want does not mean you WILL. and for the large majority its not that you wont its because walls and boundaries like the rat in the maze, we do not even understand the limitation upon us. we do not comprehend the maze that we have trapped ourselves within......

having that said....
lets talk about the Meaning of Life
I think the meaning to life, the purpose to life: is to live a life of fantasy.
WE construct rules, pass laws. Create Gods, give reason and logic. And we believe it as truth. We have the power to create a culture of diversity. We can name one thing and give it a certain connotation. In a way that is creating a way of life, that is creating a way of fantasy. There are so many things illogical within society that we all know but we assume that as... "thats just the way it is". For starters let me just say we are a species of assumption, shallow one at that. we are the facade of humanity, we are false advertising in its pure form. we believe and instantly think of people in suits and ties as professional, better suited and better trained than say a bum on the streets - is it obvious? maybe, but we can not so easily assume it as true. we are a species of probability and therefore truth. "if the majority is doing it there must be some kind of reasoning behind it" - my dad says this all the time...OMG. anyways i think we can all admit that we almost always make judgments in our minds by the first glance. and thats just it, we are a species of stereotypes, a species of fantasy where we believe something that is not necessarily true but has created this image within our minds b/c of society. tell me thats not cool... in a way you are seeing what was once a small ridiculous joke into something that may be taken for REALITY. think about that for a second. In truth we are living a life of someones dream, if not someone a group- IE history's. we are living the creation of a fantasy and we are characters that help create the sequel. my solution? create your own dialogue, create your own seperate story from the bound realm of fiction.

anyways next topic....

So there are a few people I can tell already strictly that I will always end up arguing with. Just noting with the fact of how they live and the prominent points they bring up within speech, and that would probably be my dad and mike. They both make different points although they have the same underlying distrust within humanity that I can not take. Although I am not saying they are wrong, its just that we live on the opposite sides of two extremes. I can not help but see the good within people, and have trouble to see the fault, and bad intentions within them. And for mike and my dad, is all about precaution, preventing hassles for themselves and protecting themselves from a world of bad people. The thing is that we are on the extremes, therefore we are ignorant and we both probably wont admit defeat.

So I was talking to Samuel yesterday, (by the way, it was such an awesome conversation, only because though we had stayed up literary hours talking, having one of those roommate bonding times I always wished we’d have, it made my day) and we were talking about the ridiculous things we do at 706. Okay I have to be honest there are a lot of things that I would not agree to if I were an outsider, if I just came in and asked what they were doing I would honestly not join. But I believe that all the fun things we did in 706 was fun because we let it be. Just naming some of the many things - The Game, Gilman Games, the floor is lava, the rhino head butting game haha honestly, if I were an outsider not knowing any of us, I would think it was childish, and probably not consider participating. But just the fact that I wasn’t, that I was deeply engrossed in being friends with these people, I did it, and it was fun because we let it be. As long as we give it a good connotation within our minds we will believe it and think it as fun. Fun is a state of mind, it is not associated with the game but the culture, the people participating. And I believe this is purpose of life. To create and give meaning to the world, make it what you want, shape it and live a life of fantasy.

Another issue….
Hehe Ellen and Sam
Well looking on Sam and Ellen’s relationship… I cant help but see certain things. That Ellen sees relationship as a serious issue, as something she must put 100% effort into, love letters, flowers, words of endearment. But I think this is all bullshit, this is something I think that people have a total misconception when speaking in the name of love. I havent had true love yet but I have many ideologies on the subject. As a person trying to love another, these petty stereotypical must do and don’ts are just ways to win someone over but its not step by step instructions on what everyone has to do. If you want and you really feel you should hand over your jacket to your girlfriend because she is cold then do so, not just because you think it would win you points. I think you should only do things unless you really feel like you should, not just because she is a girl, or because she is cold, but because you care enough to do it. I don’t believe in romance at times because usually people think its about going to a fancy dinner, dressing all nice, picking certain things to eat, making sure they eat politely, say the right things, HEY if you are not like this then don’t do it. it’s as simple as that. it’s a false representation of who you are. There is not a Rule saying you have to do certain things on dates, you can do anything you want, it’s a date, take her to a personal place that you feel comfortable with, show her your good side, your benevolence that you would usually show. What do roses and candy ever do? Unless they have some specific connotation within the relationship, they serve no purpose but just the small incentive that you care. The thing I see In Ellen is that she is demanding to much from Sam. She has expectations and Sam is not fulfilling that.and I am sure Sam does but Sam can only be Sam and that’s how it should be. If he isn’t showing affection that’s not because he doesn’t want to, but only because that’s just the way he is. Thinking about it now, I can see what she is talking about. But then again, I know how Sam is like. And that’s just the way he is, he is reserved at times, but when he gets on the topic, when he is in the mood he can be very enjoyable. Haha hes always enjoyable - lol what am I saying. The thing about not seeing anything bad about people is that you always enjoy their company haha. Although the only times I cant see good is when people constantly do something I don’t agree with, over and over and they never give me any reason to think other wise that they are doing it for any good intentions. Anyways…. The whole Sam and Ellen thing. I love them to death, they are so cute together and I would hate to see them break up. But, its just that, if Ellen is a person who needs affection and Sam isn’t giving that to her then she needs to take care of it. Or well they both do, if it gets to the point that she really doesn’t think its going to work out then she should break it off because it is ultimately not making her happy and that is not what she wants in a relationship. On another note I also think that she needs to try to calm down and also be very happy about her living position in relation to Samuel. They live so close and beyond the point of affection which Sam is not purposely trying to not give, she should b e grateful that she has this time to hangout with him any time she wants so easily as to step outside her doorstep. She needs to relax and just have fun with Sam and not force relationship into a relationship. I think sometimes people think to much about the long term relationship, they think to far for the marriage, the kids, the beauty of staying with someone for years and years and the jump in head first and expect too highly in people. They expect all the love the attention, the tears and all the joy that is believed to be tied to a relationship, but I guess what people is missing out is all that’s in between, all the gaps and spaces. Everyday cant be special, every moment isn’t going to be one that’s going to be remembered years and years. Ellen needs to relax and just simply enjoy the relationship, work out the kinks before she starts taking things into overdrive.

i actually wrote this awhile back and has nothing to do with anything presently going on haha. its a good side thought tho

Misinterpretation : If it matters at all when it comes down to it.

So My philosophy on drama is really …well drama that involves me anyways, to a certain extent, is rather strategically thought around. I guess the whole way I live is to avoid it, although I truly think it’s the best way to live. Really… its not about ignorance, nor is it about trust. Some people take in the “trust” they think they have with people to an extreme, as if they can rely on them solely, and once they think back for what reasons that person had procured this trust within your heart your really dumbfounded how they had managed to have taken it. Well for the most part there are certain people that trust me I would believe, although I wouldn’t dare trust them with certain things. But I’m sure it’s the same with them as well unfortunately. And its funny when I think back how they base this sense of trust they think they have in me.

I trust people as long as they give me a reason too. Once they pass a certain boundary, a certain line its snip snip, no more trust. Heck im sure that’s how everybody feels right? But I try to play it on fair grounds. I can honestly care not what anyone says behind my back unless they were my true friends. It’s kind of a scary statement to write this however … because as I start to think of people, and to think if I would care if they had talked smack about me….then it really narrows down the people I would really call my true friends. Don’t take anything to heart though… I mean friends are friends, they just haven’t gained that certain amount trust that’s all. Is it really cruel to say you don’t trust a friend? And again to what extent does the term “friend” really provide? it’s a very vague term really, and to this, any statement with the word friend can really fluctuate interpretation.

At times however I don’t realize how much it has affect though. I mean if this works one way, does it really mean it the other? If you were to talk shit about people behind their back, does that mean anything, does that mean you do not call them a friend, a true friend at that? Hmmm… it’s a bit tricky isn’t it? We can’t justify why we say things, only to say that that’s how we felt at that time and place. Well that’s how it is for me anyways, if I do talk shit, it’s the truth in my heart, that’s how I really felt; whether I had said it behind their backs or to their face. Another odd thing that people say is the probably the most dramatic phrase: Don’t talk shit behind my back, say to my face. isn’t there always a reason why you don’t tell them in the first place?: the reason being you probably cant at the time, you wouldn’t because of issues that may arise and what not. Although honestly, things people talk about behind peoples back arent usually as childish as you would expect, its not like they are going to run around saying you’re a skank bitch whore without any reason. But if so I take my statement all back.

Although On a different stand point, you can’t care what other people say about …well…other people. A relationship is about intimacy, its about your relationship with THAT other person. What you hear from other people is just a biased misinterpretation of the truth. Ughh…. I remember back in 706 I use to love talking to Megan. Megan Herr although …err…nobody from 706 really reads my LJ but they would know that by the end of the year half the people in our building would incessantly nag to each other about how rude she can be at times. I guess it never really got to me until they said it so much I believed it as truth. I am ashamed that it got to me, I mean first off, the way Meagan treats me might be the way she treats everybody, but im sure to a certain degree we all take it differently. For me I got past all that habitual rudeness she might pervade and from there I was fine with her.

But anyways there’s a lot to think about when it comes to friendship, and not everything should be taken to the extreme. Everyone sees everyone differently by the small experiences they have with each other. Why is it that small things people say can slowly creep up on how you feel about them? Does it really change anything? Its only when you let it grow into something real until it becomes real in your heart. Religion, Diety, gods, they all don’t exist unless you let them exist. And the same goes with everything else. Racial Profiling, Racism, ethnicity, hatred they all exist if you let it exist, if you believe it to be real. I guess it’s a type of ignorance really. When people say ignorance is bliss, im not sure if they are giving it a bad connotation or a good one, but in my eyes humans have thought up so many issues, so many possibilities and options that they start to manifest themselves within societies. What was once never a problem now is. Racism and hatred is not natural, it is not a naturally occurring problem, but only when we had started an issue, pointing our differences is when it became a problem.

This week is what we’ve been waiting for, what we were all longing for from day 1. Or at least half way through the year anyways: waiting for a week where we just had time to ourselves, party and do whatever we wanted to without dealing with school…

A week without school is fine and dandy but I have just been off my guard lately. I feel like I have been under the world’s clearly sharp high heeled shoes, stepped on and defeated. So it all started …. Wow, even before I got to school. Ironically this horrific turn of events had started halfway down the Wilcox hill that I live on top of. Halfway down that hill there was a motorcycle police officer waiting, and about halfway down that hill I was speeding at a good 51 mph. Alright let me just back up a little, So let me just clarify what was going on that day in my mind and just exactly what happened before the event that had started it all: So that day was “move in day”- my move in day anyways, I had packed up everything and was good to go. I had been a little off schedule, aiming to get to lovely San Diego at approximately 12 - 1pm therefore leaving about 11am. I was a good 10 or 15minutes off schedule, and I still had gas to procure, and also heavily reminded by my mom that my tires seemed to need some air in them. So long story short, in my mind I was like half an hour off, and if I didn’t make it within that 12 - 1pm window, I would not have a way into my brand spanking new apartment. So as I left, I made the little circle turn to legally get onto Wilcox and from there down the hill. I should have to say I was going a good 20 or 25 when I was entering the hill, and not noticing my speed slowly rising as I went down (let me just say I probably also went a little more faster too just because of my car being stuffed packed and air tightly sealed) I had pushed for more gas adding me up easily over 35 mph speed limit. So good ol’ motorcycle police man comes up behind me and gives me a ticket. Although no offense to this officer, he was pretty nice about it, I asked him about the ticket and he clearly gave me instructed detailed information on what to do. He did not make it seem at all a terrifying and seemed to embrace me shortly through the event I so worried most about when driving.

Alright So that’s probably unfortunate event number 1 so far, although I have to admit I had left a lot of emotional and traumatic drama once I had left that driveway that Thursday afternoon. I had left Flora, the sister I had so much pride seeing BEFORE my summer started and now had seemed like something I should have re-thought and took pre-caution to. I had left boring summer, which I had to admit was dull at times but actually very gratifying during others. I got to reconnect with my adorable nephew Luke, talked more to my lovely parents, and even got a new old car from my aunt and uncle. I had a lot of things to be grateful for, (Did I mention I went to see Jen!? And I also got to hang out with dear Lisa and Johana) but I can see how seemingly large unfortunate events can really misshapen and shift my perspective. Its good to reminisce once in awhile just to slowly gather up confidence and fend off insecurities. Haha I just want to say, something like your first speeding ticket can be troublesome, but overall I have to admit its something terribly stupid to worry over. To go over the events that really happened, it was just me in my car going a bit fast down a hill, something as trivial as that, and such a common event I would think to have put my mood in such disarray is absurd. Again though, its true I have to deal with this mess, but I have to come to agreement with myself that its been done, I have gotten the ticket, and all the events and misfortunes that may seem to come I just have to accept and see them that they are just things that have come up due to small accidents that may occur anytime and I should not hold them to highly and personally.

Hold on though hah although I have come to this brilliant yet obvious thought I can not be also see the other unfortunate events that have been at bay. I can actually think of many things, although I am glad that in my mind some of the smaller ones, even though they may seem problematic to others, it is fine to me: which im really grateful for, now if only I can do that with some of the other things in life haha. So speaking in the same context as my first auto problems, once I get to school (since I had gotten there about 2 days early) I have and ever since then been buying day pass parking permits to park. And since then I have been paying 7 dollars each day excluding weekends waiting for them in the mail. Not fun. Really. Not only is my parking permit not coming and still to this moment not received but I have been diligently waking up early or what I would consider early to get up and buy a day pass just so I wont get a ticket. I have been waking up at 8 if not 7 to walk my ass to gilman and purchase a day pass, not caring how horrid my hair or face looks in the morning. For about a week and a half ….“ugh”.

OH haha did I mention I got a notification from ACS, UCSD’s internet service, that I have been illegally distributing copyrighted material? Aka uploading music. I would have to say…. LAME. I was just making this point the other day…. Just the fact about the speeding ticket and now this. These events I really WOULD NOT mind receiving if only I was AWARE of it happening. I would not mind losing my internet if I had knew I was purposely downloading or sharing files. I would not mind a speeding ticket unless I was speeding down that hill on purpose. Ergg… am I really a criminal if I was not aware of things I was doing? Am I still deemed a bad person in god’s eyes (if I were religious) if I was not intentionally being a bad person? I think this blog begs the question, is anybody really bad? Or do they just have their own reasons of doing their so called convicted crimes. Criminals know about the law, but the question is if they would purposely break laws knowing they would get caught, no of course not, they probably had some reason to do so. But anyways so I had my internet cut, pilfered from me in the middle of the day In plain light. But yeah so that’s why I havent been posting ir doing anything that involves internet haha. Its terrible.

Until now anyways :P so I have like a few other blogs I have been writing on word, saving them up.

Alright sooooo.... we all know school is starting. Barely starting for some, others have already started.
And the subject of school and classes have really got me thinking about the education system all together.

I always talk to my mom about this funny yet very ironic system, the education system.
How... we all know and have been told education is learning, correct? that we learn for our own sakes, our own understanding of the world, to be a informed and educated adult, and beneficial member within society. But how ironic it is that there are so many people dropping out of high school, how there are so many people not informed, misinformed about education. The system of grading is what I am basing my argument upon, and that is, is that when we think of school, classes, teachers, we think...GRADES. were thinking HARD WORK, ESSAYS, PAPERS, PROJECTS, etc. and thats what its all about right? Grades I would say can go both ways, if you get an A - your like hey, i did pretty well, I got a lot out of this class (hopefully) and if you fail- your like...damn i have to take this class over- but you are taking the class over regardless of how much you have learned. I may have learned the same amount in the class as an A student but i have terrible test taking skills, if i didnt do the homework does that necessarily mean I do not understand the material? Does grades really mean anything in this context? And does it not only dissuade others who are actually trying to learn but are risking getting bad grades. I know a lot of people, honest, and very hard working people who just cant learn as fast as the rest, and they probably will give it time, but get bad grades. So what does that mean? if its all about learning why are we getting discouraged to learn, Why are we afraid to take interesting classes just because the resulting letter grade might end up catastropic? as a college student learning is MONEY. It doesnt even matter how much you learned, if you get that A, if you get that high GPA that woop dee doo you get a bachelors, youd be accepted into a more prestigious graduate school from these grades and from there you get your masters degree and continuing into a grand job. It never really mattered if you learned anything.

I was contemplating about taking this interesting class. I love this professor, PJ , im sure every UCSD sixth college student has heard of him. And right now im just thinking whether i should take his class. probably about 100% of the time he would be teaching something top notch, but the only thing im worried about is how is his class going to affect my GPA , my future. I want to learn just to learn, im not taking the class so people can observe it as a letter grade. Its something I want to do, I dont want people judging how well i did if say i was taking a dance class lol. the grading system is judging you on performance, NOT what you have in this brain of ours. 

All im saying is just that the education system is flawed terrible, such that grading scales should not be at all concerned with learning. If I learned the material then its my business not anybody else's, if I did not then too bad, i'll try again, learn it again. grades will probably only discourage the general population from taking class and learn. this is contradictory to the whole point of an education system. what kind of dumb system discourages its own members to not participate in what its alllll about? haha. sorry.... this is just something im sure everybody had thought of but just hasnt had a chance to extend it into a blog. lol

hmmmm....
Im in that pondering mood again.

I was just thinking about friends, love and what not, just coming back from a day with Lisa and Brent.
And i guess...im just in that .... perpetual - "Who am I really?" Sort of thought. Rudy once gave me this dumb quote, quoted from batman actually which i thought was something, or well somewhere that I wouldnt quote proudly with confidence seeing it is a work of fiction and not something to base any sort of superb conversation upon. but anyways it was something along the lines of your actions determines who you are, or to that extent anyways, and i was just arguing with him that yes to the eyes of others it may appear that is who you are, to them you are just the boy who lives across the street, goes to UCSD, acts like this, says things like that and what not, BUT to you, yourself your a total different person, you have individual thoughts that do not go through as actions, you yourself has a much different idea of who you are than what others may perceive, and who you really are ...really can not be determined by you nor people who perceive you, but i think more like it falls somewhere in between.

Anyways, I guess i was just thinking about who i really was. And whether the friends i call friends think about me as much as i do them in the same way and context. I will never know how they perceive me as, who they really think i am. we all act differently to different people, do they really know me? do i really know myself? And do people love me for the person who they see or the person i think myself to be.... in either situation it can really be different i think.

And the things about actions, are my actions prove.... truthful to those ideas and thoughts i have? and if so do my actions, to what extent, really show my true colors. for the most part i think me, and i assume many other people, dont act out what they truly think or would want to act without certain restrictions. I can say there are lots of things i dont say just cuz itd wouldnt be right, wouldnt be simple ettiquete. And at times there are just things you dont do in front of people because you yourself think its obscure, odd, weird to be doing something like that in front of ppl in the first place. i tihnk its pride, its ego, as well. I dont want to put my WHOLE self out there, if i do i dont have anything to myself, if that makes any sense, if everything in my life is not a secret, than what can i truly have to myself without having everybody critisizing or at some point observing my life? I actually take pride in a lot of things i do by myself, and only take pride in the things i do with others because they too take pride in it, or the fact that the group itself is comprised over certain aspects such as the things i would take pride in haha. if that makes sense i guess. i guess it would be the same as like saying, getting good at games, you wouldnt take so much pride into being a big gamer if the whole society of gamers didnt compete over it. If i played just by myself i would think it was fun, i wouldnt think it was a big thing if i got good in it, its easy.

Anyways, i guess its hard to say who I am, who i want to be, and to what extent of my true self i conciously want to expose. i would say the decisions you truly try to decide are at times those that originally should not need deciding, but only need to be because you yourself are trying to conceal certain things to the general public. its not a bad thing, i mean there are certain things i dont want ppl to know, (not deep dark secrets) just things i want to keep to myself.

I guess the other major thing is, is that, are my friends truly friends with me? or are they friends with what i just show them. How much do they care for me really?

I guess sometimes i wish i had a boyfriend, and its not even about love, and haha at times not even about the relationship. but the fact that you have someone who will dedicate time to you, in such a way that it feels like you are the theme to their life. the fact of it all is that people you date, people you call your lover, your boyfriend is someone who will honestly give you their full and undivided attention just because you are with them, and you do the same, i think thats wonderfully....random. how people will try to make it work just to gain that title. i would say a lot of it is fake, not as in they are untrue, they might be honestly being a nice guy, doing things to make things work. overall being a good date and what not, but its fake in the way how it works, how usually people would not treat you in this manner, and only until you decidely show this sort of mutual interest. how it would not happen unless it is in the idea of "love" or "relationship". what happened to trying to make good friends? what happened to the effort to be friends. i believe in things happening natural but society also taught me that there is a choice to be made at every corner, and everything lacking is a decision within itself.


I probably abhor downelink in one or more of the same aspects i had mentioned. and at times too i dont know who I am, and who I am trying to be. Or whether my friends know who they are trying to be friends with - or if they are trying at all. Its summer, what happened to the effort to try to get together? I mean i can name ....hmmm Brent and Wendy, who are always at home but never seem to call anybody up to do anything. Brent i know better, but hes just at home playing games. Johana is always working, although she never tells me when she has a break or when she might be free. Whatever, ive done my part in this summer parade. Summer was fun, i cant complain. i sometimes just dont know whoes close to me and who isnt.